A Pollyanna kind of Acceptance

After viewing my most recent appearance on OTR, I was informed that I was "such a Pollyanna". My first reaction was to get offended, but as quickly as my temper began to ignite, I realized it was neither meant as a criticism nor should I take it as an offensive remark.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, or the Haley Mills movie of the 1950's, let me share with you what it means for me.

I'm definitely what you would call an optimistic person. I see the good in everything, and for the most part, everyone. Even the things that I don't like or agree with, I do my best to see the positive side of it.

When many people hear the story of my journey with Crohn's Disease, and all of the battles that consumed my life for over 13 years now and continue to do so, they look at me in bewilderment. How can I possibly be so happy, positive, optimistic, sunny, etc ? I explained a bit last week, but let me venture a little further down this road.

First off, I really thought my life was over at the age of 15/16 when I first received my diagnosis. Many, many times as the angry red seas of pain consumed me I was so desperate for relief that I really just wanted to die. I wasn't suicidal, but I wanted out of my trapped body, and death seemed to be the only way. I cursed God, my genes, the doctors, the nurses, my family, and anything else that made for an easy target of my frustration and utter agony.

I was too much of a fighter to let this disease take it all away, and if nothing else could be said for me, I was a bit of a control freak. I had worked too hard to stay alive and have a good life to let some ridiculous disease end it all.

Somewhere along it all, I realized that 90% of my battle was really about attitude. I begrudgingly accepted this broken down and aching body was mine, and there was very little that I could really control, except my attitude.

It all boils down to a coping mechanism. My 'Pollyanna attitude' is how I cope. Why did I get so sick? Why do I still live with the very real threat that in an instant I could be plunged back down that road of hospitals, tests, and pain should my Crohn's flare back up? Why do I have to live daily with rheumatoid arthritis, constant fatigue, abdominal obstructions that sideline me for days, bizarre allergies, and a body that bares so many scars from my 35 surgeries?

Here's what I think - I think my body serves as a reminder of what I've survived, what I had to endure to get to this point, and precisely what made me the person I am today. I think my aches, pains, and fatigue remind me that as much as my mind would prefer, I am not invincible. It's a trap that we all fall into, especially the young. I'm lucky that time has erased many of the vivid moments of pain, but the haunting memories will forever stay.

I don't know why I survived, but I can guess. I realize everyday that I'm living on borrowed time, and I believe that it's only because I'm supposed to make something good out of that extra time. From the very essence of my core, there's a burning fire within me to change the world.

Wow, how many times have you heard that in a beauty pageant, a young child, or from someone else and just rolled your eyes? Yeah, we all have.

But it's true. If I can be a part of something good, then another piece of the puzzle that is my life suddenly finds its home, and I take one more step forward.

I take the lessons I've learned along the way and do what I can to help out. My life unraveled and here I find myself in the intricate world of policy and government. There's so many possibilities that exist for a better change out there, so many ideas, so many fantastic people working so hard, it makes me want to run in 15 different directions and solve all the world's problems with one fell swoop. But then I wake up, feel the aches and pains, and am reminded that I'm limited to only one or two.

My mother likes to remind me what my life's goal is - balance, between the emotional and physical, the wants and the needs, and reality and the dreams of my future. I believe that I'll never quite achieve perfect balance, but each day I creep a little closer. Until then, there will be more days like this past week on the campaign trail, where I willingly endure the physical pain to accomplish something that gives me peace of mind.

I'm unashamedly part dreamer, part optimist, and part believer. Besides, if it weren't for the Pollyannas in the world, who else would you have to roll your eyes at? :-)